Self perception, and a new understanding.

Some of this is going to sound stupid. I'm ok with that.

I gave myself a deadline of when the new baby arrives to get into shape because I know time will be an absolute premium afterward. It didn't happen, though I did get a little fitter and a lot stronger. To cure my ailments, I have been doing high intensity strength training, focussing on my hamstrings and glutes. Basically, I have been curling between 60 and 70 kg on my hamstrings for the past nine months or so, and it's basically worked. I can run again, though there is tightness. But I can at least move, and that's more than I could do before.

But I realised something recently, and it's priceless. I was in the same room as my former brother in law, and he was moaning about being in a 34"-waisted jean. I thought, I would love to wear a 34" waist... But then I thought about it. A lot. I used to wear a 34", when I was 14 or so. Now I am in a 40" or 42"; back when I was in (slow) marathon shape, I was in a 38 and not that far off a 36".

Now I know that 36" is a bit more realistic, though I would be happy with a 38". So why the change?

I realised that I am not the same shape as most people. Yeah, sounds stupid, but it's an understatement. I'm pretty short – 5' 6" – and very wide. Kind of like a box. It's why I don't wear suits for work; I just end up looking like security, albeit security standing far away.

Where was I? Oh yes, not the same shape. So today, I took this realisation a step further. Now, I know I'm pretty big, and not in the way that most fat blokes say: "I'm a big guy" or, "I'm husky". I mean, I'm really big, I put on muscle very easily. I once laughed my ass off (privately) when a visitor to a shared flat had a 15" collar on his shirt, and asked a group in a pub, 'who the fuck has a neck so tiny, how does he hold his head up?' They all also wore 15" to 15.5" collars. At the time, I wore 17.5", now I wear an 18". My chest as measured today is 49"; most men are under 40". In shape, mine is more like 46", so there's some boob in that...

But my thighs are the best indication. Fern, at 38 weeks pregnant, measured her waist under her bump today. It's smaller than my thigh circumference. There is very little fat on my legs but a lot of muscle, and each thigh is 29" around. That's 3" less than my former brother-in-law's usual waist size.

I'm never going to be a 32" waist, and can you imagine how that would look? I can curl an adult's weight on my hamstrings, and push three adults (actually, I can do more but the machine weight stops at 200kg) with my legs; my core strength is excellent, and I have a strong, broad chest and shoulders. I know I need to lose fat, and it can come now with greater sobriety and the ability to actually train. I am trying to embrace that strength and enjoy it, and accept that I am a boulder; I'm never going to be that lovely, long, lean build some men enjoy.

I'll always be able to pick them up and bench press them, though.