Z Contemplates her Navel

I'm doing a bit of encouraging self-evaluation. It's not so much for now as for me to look back on in months to come. So if you'll bear with me I'll itemise a few changes over the last 16 months.

End of October 2007 - Weight then - nearly 70 kilos, nearly 11 stone. Weight now - well, it'd help if I'd weighed myself before starting this, but I can't be bothered now so I'll go by the last time I did - nearly 60 kilos, 9 stone 6 lbs.

Cycling - started in November 07, I'm still doing it. I still don't enjoy it, but I've kept going and while I'm not a lot fitter I'm better at it. I was no end pleased to get up two hills this morning that I wouldn't have done in the cold weather.

Swimming - I started gently by taking the children to the pool. Then that tailed off and I haven't been for months. Bad. However, that is being dealt with and I'm going to an aquacise session tomorrow. Weeza is planning to go swimming in a time-share hired in a private pool, if I go too I can do exercises then.

Walking - no worse. I avoid walking much, though I'm all right on flat ground. Now I've been told one leg has become shorter than the other, I should be able to correct that with an insole and I hope that will make walking easier and the limp less pronounced (it isn't always heavy but it is always there) which will get me doing more steady but not strenuous walking. Badgerdaddy kindly sorted out walking poles for me (I think it'll be a long time before I am sufficiently unself-aware for me to use them both) and that will help too.

Help - yes, I've asked for help. This is not like me. It's the final remnant of early shyness perhaps, that I don't like to bother people, that I'm worried what they'll think if I make a fuss, that I'll look silly. It's also a remnant of not being girly. Oh you know, think Famous Five. George might have been an irritating little tit swaggering around pretending to be a boy but at least she wasn't wimpish like Anne, always proudly polishing her saucepans and looking in admiration at the clever strong boys. I looked sweet and girly but I wasn't once you knew me, and I associated asking for help because you couldn't manage or because it was hurty with being girly. Sigh. Yes, I know. Anyway, I'm not either shy or with inapproprate ideas of what being capable means any more. I've asked for advice and I'm taking it, which is equally useful.

This morning, I went into a room in search of a tee shirt among stuff dumped on a bed and caught sight of my bare middle in a mirror on the way. You know when you catch yourself unawares and discover what you really look like for an instant? - well, I found that my middle doesn't look at all fat but it looks very flabby. Also, my outer thighs are fine but inner thighs are distinctly wobbly. I'll aim to build up to doing something about more specific exercises with that in mind, but for now I'm more likely to do them for health rather than cosmetic reasons.

So, targets for this year - and I am not beating myself up about this, I'm not going to be at all unrealistic and it'll all be achievable without changing much about my life.

1 Starting tomorrow, get in the swimming pool. If I can't do it for fun, which I can't, overcome my resistance to 'joining in' and exercise with a class. Success criterion(oh go on, let me be a complete twat here) - I'm still doing it at least twice a month by the end of the year.

2. Buy new shoes as necessary, get used to wearing insoles. Get walking shoes, do more walking, use the pole Success criterion - once I've corrected my leg length, limp less when my hip isn't actually hurting.

3. Lose the rest of the weight Success criterion - weigh less than 9 stone by the end of October. This is so achievable. If I really pushed myself I could do it in a couple of months, but I am not being overambitious, that's when I risk failing and discouraging myself.

4. Carry on cycling. Success criterion I think I've already said it.

Right, if I can do all that, won't I be pleased? And I've got 8 months.